I’ve been interviewed by the Catholic Youtube channel Mater Mundi about my anorexia nervosa recovery story, how God has healed my body and my soul, and the ministry I’m running now through this blog.
I wish my words can lit a spark of hope in the souls of those people who’re trapped in darkness, as well as in those of their loved ones who suffer because they see no way out from this situation.
Here you can read the whole article at Mater Mundi (Spanish).
And this is the video of the testimony:
For those of you who don’t understand Spanish, I’ve written below some of the most important points of what I’ve said in the interview:
How did it all started?
- Mi eating disorder was driven partly by the desire to be thin, but also by a moral element, because I liked to feel superior to others, with more self-control and discipline, because I didn’t “fall” into food. Now I realize that’s a lie, I was the one who was controlled, as a puppet of the illness.
- I identified myself as pro-ana, I believed anorexia was a lifestyle for the chosen, that people couldn’t understand it but it was the best.
- As I grew closer to God, instead of realizing that anorexia was wrong (mainly, because it goes agains the commandments of not killing and not lying), what I did was replacing the “goddess Ana” with God. I believed I was offering a mortification and a sacrifice, and that was the meaning of my life.
How did your family live it?
- Precisely, when I was actively into anorexia, I didn’t suffer, because yes, it was a very difficult thing to do, but since I thought I was fulfilling my vocation, nothing mattered more. The one who suffered was my mother —I live only with her—. What makes me feel more sorry is how her blames herself for this. I also know that it must have been horrible for her to see how her daughter disappeared, became disintegrated, was dying before her eyes and yet she was powerless because she couldn’t do anything to avoid it.
- There were other people too (friends, teachers, etc.) who tried to talk with me about this issue. I hated when they did that. Now I appreciate their concerns. Some of them did it better than others, but that’s the least important thing. Anyway, when I’ve really seen how much they love me is with recovery, with their huge displays of joy, affection and support.
- I used to think I was a very good liar and knew how to hide my anorexia, but now when I see pictures I realize it was obvious. Which, by the way, is a pity. You shouldn’t have to reach such a low weight for people to see it’s a problem, since it’s a mental illness.
How did your life change?
- The Lord saved me. It was Him Who at a certain moment stroke my heart with a lighting bolt that, although it didn’t make me see everything clear and choose recovery at once, what it did was to sow doubts in me… doubts I’d never had before.
- What helped me most to finally choose recovery was reading testimonies of people who had gone through it. Who used to believe and feel the same things as me, but took the jump, trusted, fought for recovery, and now were in the light, enjoying happiness and freedom.
- After about 3 months of discernment, I undertook definitely the recovery journey. From the first minute, I was clear about one thing: I had to be honest. The most characteristic feature of an eating disorder is secrecy, and therefore what I had to do was telling the truth to the people who were helping me (especially my spiritual director and my mother). Even when they were embarrassing things and I thought they were going to be disgusted at me.
- The second most important thing that I found out immediately was that I needed a spiritual director. I heartily recommend this. I had the privilege of finding an amazing priest, full of the Holy Spirit. Many times I kept doubting whether my path of holiness couldn’t be anorexia, but thanks to obedience, which I knew was the most pleasing thing to God, I gathered strength to keep going in recovery, which felt like the wrong thing.
God and recovery
- Only God’s grace has made this possible. No one recovers without God. Even when the person doesn’t know, God is acting in her life. But, even if He’s always with you, if you aren’t with Him, you’re missing out on many things.
- Recovery is a journey of blind trust. God gives you the grace you need at that moment, but not even a little bit more. You have to trust each day that the next day you’ll be given new grace. That’s why when you look towards the future with all your fears you feel completely overwhelmed and think it’s impossible. I even used to think that I was going to die before reaching certain recovery milestones, because I didn’t see how it could be feasible to cope with my life that way. But what happens is that God hasn’t given you those graces for the future yet. You have to trust that you’ll have them.
- One of the hardest thing of my recovery was that I struggled in prayer, since I had created a whole interpretation of the Bible and religion from the lens of anorexia, and in addition I didn’t feel like I could ask God for help with something that deep down I thought was unpleasing to Him. It’s been so freeing when finally He has broken that chain and I’ve been able to see His love and His Heart in prayer.
How are you doing now?
- I’m better than ever. Before, with anorexia, I thought I was happy, because I thought I was fulfilling my duty and that should make me happy. If I wasn’t happy, it was because I was selfish.
- My life then can’t be compared with my life now. There’s pain, of course, but that pain isn’t comparable either. It’s just different, it’s like living in other world. It’s exactly —and I’ve said this quote before, but I bloody love it— like what Evelyn Waugh says about conversion: “Conversion is like stepping across the chimney piece out of a looking-glass world, where everything is an absurd caricature, into the real world God made; and then begins the delicious process of exploring it limitlessly”.
- I as a person have been completely transformed too. I’m not the same person as before but without anorexia. I’m a new person.
- My mission now is, on the one hand, to help those suffering from an eating disorder. But, on the other one, to help fill with truth and holiness the spheres of health, nutrition and fitness. There exists a very disordered mindset in regards to those issues in society, who applauds behaviors that should be perceived as sick.
I hope my story can be inspiring and helpful, and encourage you to start recovery! You can download my ebook below to be more clear about your first steps, and sign up to my email list to receive even more tips and words of light. Or you can always contact me via email or a DM on instagram! I’m here for you <3