God made my recovery harder.
Well, not exactly. In fact, He and only He was Who made it possible, Who pushed me to start it, Who supported me through all the moments of pain and Who is bringing it to an end now. So saying that would be deeply unfair. But the next statement is true: my idea of God made my recovery harder. An idea in which mortification held a prominent place.
This post is going to be divided into two parts. In today’s part, Part I, I will, based on my experience regarding mortification an eating disorders, comment some less than satisfactory answers that are often given to explain the difference between the two, and why they don’t convince me. On Tuesday, October 9th, you’ll have Part II.
When I was caught up in anorexia, I honestly believed that it was a sacrifice I was doing for Him and because of Him, a mortification I was offering up.
That’s why, when I started recovery, this was one of the most conflicting points. On the one hand, everyone was telling me that anorexia wasn’t right and it wasn’t what God wanted for me. On the other hand, I had a very strong feeling that I was betraying God, quitting because I was weak and wanted to give in to worldly pleasures, specifically food. That made me feel like a dirty glutton. Even worse, as if I was apostatizing. As if I was a disgusting ingrate that, after everything God had done for me, that wasn’t enough for me to be a little self-sacrificing, no: I wanted to have everything, I wanted to have the mundane food too.
Therefore, I found myself utterly desolated and I wasn’t able to turn to God in my suffering, because, if everything in me was telling me that what I was doing was wrong, how could I ask Him for help to carry it out?